I found my old diary, hidden at the back of my wardrobe and away from prying eyes. I wanted to post a few entries because I’m sure that people will be able to relate to the anxiety and frustration that comes with drinking too much.
6 August 2011
Okay, Im not beating myself up any more, the last year has been truly awful so its no surprise that I’ve been a mess. I have tried to moderate my drinking but often it doesn’t happen. I have put loads of weight back on and this alone makes me feel crap. So, I have made a decision, I am going to stop drinking FOREVER, I don’t know when yet, it will be after my sister has been over from Oz. I am reading books about it and thinking about it generally. At this point in my life I feel that stopping alcohol could really help me with lots of things. I would have a better chance at being the organised mum that I really want to be and I would lose weight too and get really fit. I went out for my last boozy girls night out last night, it was fun but I feel awful this morning, really awful.
7 August 2011
Just to say, I had another boozy day yesterday. We went to my eldest daughter’s friends birthday party, it was nice but it was just a bunch of adults getting pissed basically (me included), even at the time I felt slightly uncomfortable and irresponsible. I don’t want to do this anymore, this morning I feel so guilty about it. I also have that post booze anxiety feeling which is horrible and I can’t sleep. I fell asleep on the sofa, which I hate and was woken up by my son screaming at 2am. I think it is good to be aware how drinking makes me feel and write it down, especially in the run up to stopping altogether.
9 August 2011
Well, I drank a bottle of prosecco last night for absolutely no reason. That’s what I do, I have one big night out and then I just can’t stop for a few days afterwards so I feel really shit today. I’ve had loads of stuff to do with my son’s statement for school and it’s been impossible to focus. The main reason I’m writing tonight though is I’ve just totally lost it with my middle child, I slapped her hand really hard and screamed at her, now I feel so terrible about it. She has been really difficult lately but I should NEVER react like that. I know it’s because of drinking, I really have to stop and soon.. I haven’t had a drink today and thats where the irritability comes from too.
It is hard reading all this again, I feel transported back to that time, the negativity of it all still hits me, but what is amazing is that I feel I have been released from the horrible trap I was in. Thank god I saw the light, I don’t have to do it to myself anymore and neither do you. I am happier and fitter than I have been in years. I chose my 40th year to make a positive change in my life and its the best thing I ever did. If I can do it anyone can.