That was then and this is now

When I drank alcohol, this was my life; get up with a hangover, slap on tonnes of make up in an effort to disguise this fact, eat something fattening and carb-tastic for breakfast, not go for a run, stumble down to the park with the dog, hurry back home feeling slightly queasy, take daughter to school, catch bus to work feeling exhausted and a bit anxious, buy a large, full fat latte and a cake for energy purposes, experience a sugar crash mid-morning due to fatigue, carb-loading and sugar frenzy, drink more coffee, eat large and fattening sandwich with fizzy drink for lunch, drag myself through the afternoon, get home, eat an unhealthy dinner, stick the TV on, drink more wine to eradicate all of the above, and then slope off to bed feeling desperate for sleep.alcoholic

Today I got up at 5 am with a very poorly baby. She had some milk and then returned to her cot for an hour and a half whilst I did a monumental pile of ironing (multiple washes went on yesterday due to the baby being sick on an hourly basis) and made everyone’s packed lunch. I took daughter number one to school, returned home and went for a long-ish walk with the baby and dog. Then I spent a couple of hours walking around the downstairs of the house with a crying baby over my shoulder, before eventually settling her after a dose of Calpol about 10:30 am. Whilst she slept I crammed in about four hours’ worth of work into one, before she woke up and we started walking about again for a further two hours.

Mum arrived as back up mid-afternoon, providing some alternative form of company to the little bundle of snot and tears (poor thing), and kept me company for a while. I then took the baby to the doctor’s (viral, nothing he can do, just Calpol, fluids, sleep), brought her home and left her with Other Half whilst I went for a five mile run, came back, cooked dinner, ate it and then set about completing all the work that I didn’t get done today.

And during all of the pacing, consoling, cuddling, working and running that I ploughed through today, I never once felt tired, angry, impatient or grumpy, and nor did I feel the urge to consume three times what I should in calorie intake, and nor did I consider for one second buying or drinking a bottle of wine to cope with my day. I just got on with it, like normal people do (with a bit of help from Grandma and OH).

I think that I am not bothered by booze anymore. I think I am as I was intended to be, and it is such a relief.

10 thoughts on “That was then and this is now

  1. Great! My ? to you is: if you are no longer “bothered” by it, can you now drink it in moderation, if you want? Can you both take it OR leave it? I am sincerely wondering what others who feel the way you — and I, actually — do? -DDG

    • Hi, I thought hard about this last night when I read your comment. I don’t want to get drunk anymore, that is definitely true. And therefore, for me, that means that I don’t want to drink alcohol anymore because the two go hand in hand. I have always been unable to moderate (funny because I am a Libran!) and have gone full throttle in whatever it is I am pursuing. If I tried drinking again, I am sure that eventually I would end up where I was before with it, and after all the soul searching and happiness I have found over the last 2 years, I don’t ever want to go back to the way I was.
      But I don’t miss it at all, I’m just glad I saw the light. Thanks for posing an interesting question, Lucy

  2. Great post as I have been there in the past with recovering from alchol also and youre right its such a releif like you have youre life back fully and all this energy it is an awsome thing! Good for you! I found after couple years after of trying to try moderation approach only worked for short time and eventually was right back there so for myself I found I cant drink at all and Im very happy with it. To the some out there that can moderate there intact thats a great thing not all can.

    • Hi – if you can moderate your intact, I think you are doing good too, ha ha :-). Thanks for this comment – it is such a relief to discover that all the negatives in your life were associated with booze, and actually were not part of who you are. I am thankful everyday that I live life to the full, without any artificial add-ons to my character. It’s a much more honest way to live, and brave too I think (blowing my own trumpet a bit there, but I hope you know what I mean by that). Thanks for the message, Lucy

      • haha. Youre welcome and yes I always was a good person and genwuine etc just made bad choices with alcohol becasue I was always afraid to take a stand and be a leader and not drink. I never liked drinking and the taste of alcohol the burning and the after effects as everyone knows always makes it not worth it and regret the next day.It is a very much more honest way to live, vibrant when youre at youre best and you have full control of our actions and I know what you meant:) It is brave to not drink at all in a inoxicated world filled with bars, clubs, and centered around drinking to have fun and to destress. My way of destressing is alot less expensive, less tiring, and less degrative on my health and phyche and thats; yoga excersies, running, walking, gym weight training, or nice walk in the woods, and or a book, etc list goes on.Nice sharing thoughts with you Lucy,

  3. Ahhh you guys are all commenting here on just what I’ve been thinking about lately. I had a bottom (bottom enough for me, probably for many) last Decemer (2011) and though it took me a handful of months before I was ready to try sobriety I finally did (with one last hoorah of a night of course). Anyway I really liked it. I felt like I was doing something great for myself. I felt like I had more potential for happiness. I felt in charge. I was sober for 5 months. And it was actually other meds that kinda brought me back in. To the self medicating — really. I don’t know. I have not blacked out in 9 months, not even gotten drunk. Nothing more than a few glasses here or there and none of the hard stuff, no more mistakes or bad nights or bad mornings. And I finally made peace with where I was at a couple weeks ago (‘at’ being the moderation thing). It had honestly taken me a few months to come to accept myself where I was at. But now I’m back to questioning it. I’m just thinking about that phrase ‘don’t give up something you can’t go a day without thinking about.’ And I can’t stop thinking about sobriety. But why now? Why not before I started again. I had courage and conviction before to stop. Now all I have is an ego scaring the hell out of me.

    Sorry to vent all this on your blog post! Just hit a spot with me right now : /.

    • Hi Angela, thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. It sounds like alcohol is giving you a lot of stress, in terms of how much you are thinking about it. You were doing great by the sounds of it, in terms of moderation (something I have never managed!!) but obviously something is niggling you still – have you checked out It’s a social network site that I set up for anybody worried about binge drinking – lots of advice and interesting chat/blogs etc on there.
      Happy New Year – I wish you well with everything. Lucy x

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